Beginning

The new year is always an opportunity for a clean slate. It's arbirtary, but as good a time as any to start doing whatever we have been wanting to do but haven't got around to. I like to use December 31 as a day of sloth and excess, to make January first seem all the more clean and shiny.

I would like to start the new year with all the laundry clean, folded and put away. I would like the blasted "orphan sock" basket empty. I would like the house clean and the driveway shoveled. I would like all the sheets to be changed and the Christmas tree taken down and all the new stuff put away. I would like my legs to be waxed and my roots dyed.

Some of those are possible, but most are unlikely today. We will tidy, eat and drink too much, maybe throw some laundry on. Tomorrow, when everything is closed, I will take the tree down, clean properly, eat nutritiously, and drink water. I may even get a good run in. Today, I will do the bare necessities, and swear that tomorrow, I will be good. As long as I can be. I will be reborn as the "me" of 2006, with all good intentions, cleansed of my bad habits and ready to start the new year in the best possible state of being.

Really, I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I don't have any destructive habits I need to resolve to stop. I don't smoke, I don't (usually) drink to excess, I eat carefully, drink lots of water, I exercise regularly. I do drink too much coffee, but I have tuned into the reports that say coffee is at least not bad for you, and at best good for you, and ignored the ones which tell me it causes cancer. I did very well over Christmas, never going more than 48 hours without exercise. I still weigh what I did 5 or 10 years ago, so I guess I'm doing well in the health department.

I would like to be more tidy, more patient, and more involved with my kids. Not necessarily in that order (that order would not be politically correct). I would like to be more adventurous in a number of areas, including but not limited to food, books, and travel (the g-rated nature of this blog prevents me from mentioning any other areas). I would like to be more fit.

All of the areas listed above are areas of self-improvement I would like to make, and a new year is as good a time as any. What I should do, is address each item as it occurs to me throughout the year, but my fundamentally lazy and self-focused nature manufactures permission to procrastinate changes just a little longer. So it's time to poop or get off the pot. I will use the new year as my arbitrary starting point for changing the things I want to change. But I will not make specific resolutions. They just set you up for failure. I have to say, though, that I look forward to being able to say "I haven't done x yet this year..." Seems to lend it some credibility. Gives me some inspiration to keep going. Too bad I'll start discounting and writing off my lapses by noon tomorrow, but I'll celebrate the victories as I deserve them.

Now we're off for an evening of excess which will no doubt throw the first day of 2006 and the vitruous "new and improved me" into stark relief. Hopefully it will inspire the good efforts to continue longer than a few hours. I'll keep you posted.

Aftermath

Well, another Christmas has come and gone and it was a mitigated success. The kids were great. They were the perfect age. Still fully immersed in the magic, they were up at four am opening their stockings. Trevor strongly encouraged them to turn the light off and go back to sleep, but apparently Jack never did. Despite that he was civilized and pleasant, if excited, until almost ten pm. They were utterly delighted with the snowboards Santa brought, and the weather was wonderful. Jack was out by eight am trying his out on the little snowbank in the back yard. By the time we headed over to my parents’ at 10, Aimee was able to ride the whole hill without wiping out and Jack’s balance was improving by leaps and bounds with each run down the hill.

We were all reasonably restrained in gift giving – no one went overboard, it was not an obscene orgy of gifts, and no obnoxious brand-name junk to break instantly. The kids were suitably appreciative, they have rarely complained about being bored since the frenzy ended, despite nary a Bratz doll to be found. We all seemed to like what we were given and everyone agreed that it was a really nice day.

The factor precipitating my hesitation on posting a picture-perfect account of our Christmas was that Trevor’s 88-year-old grandmother fell in church on Christmas Eve and fractured her pelvis. She spent the night in Emergency and is now a guest on the rehab ward. Imagine what her agnostic grandsons had to say about God allowing a pious, life-long Catholic to fall in church. Imagine what her RN grand-daughter-in-law had to say about her 6 hour wait in Emergency before she even saw a doctor who could order an xray, which everyone involved knew needed to be done first and foremost, and even though a nurse was able to secure a painkiller order (she can get narcotics without being seen by a doc, you’d think an xray would have fewer potential complications and could be ordered either by a nurse, or on a verbal order)… but I digress.

Anyway, we shifted Christmas dinner to our house at the last minute so Trevor’s parents could be at the hospital most of the day, and it all went without a hitch. Plenty of food and drink, a toast to the absent Mere, and a good time was actually had by all. It was really nice for the kids not to be shuffled home to bed in the middle of the fun, so I’m thinking I might want to do it next year, too. Of course, I’m also thinking of running another marathon, too so we’ll see if I come to my senses on either count.

Merry Christmas!!

Christmas

It’s Christmas. I love this time of year, even though it’s cold and dark. I love seeing the kids on Christmas morning, believing with all their hearts that Santa visited and left them presents. I remember that the Santa snack, missing in the morning and replaced with pitiful cookie crumbs, was the absolute proof for me. There was simply no doubt. It was Truth, the way the globe theory of the shape of the earth is Truth.

I’m worried that this may be the last year for the full Santa treatment in our house. Aimee has already asked if I think Santa is real. She’s still in the stage where she completely and automatically discounts anything which may contradict the facts in her world, thankfully. She’s not ready yet to see things through jaded, reality-laden eyes. I’m certainly not ready for her to graduate to that stage yet. So I’ll keep reaffirming her beliefs any way I can, even if I need to use subtly veiled threats of coal to keep her innocent for a few more years. Childhood is too short as it is.

The fuss and bother around the political correctness of all associated with Christmas these days is really getting on my nerves. There is the faction that mutters about it because it is no longer a Christian holiday, but a commercial one. There are those who object because it is a Christian holiday and they are left out for being Jewish or Muslim or Hindu. Regardless, it seems there are more cranky people than happy ones, when really, it should be the opposite. The people I work with, who are not Christian, wish me Merry Christmas, and I do the same to them. I also wish them Happy Ramadan, or Rosh Hashana or Hannukah, or whatever they celebrate, as they do to me. What’s the big deal? Why are people so wound up about all this?

And then there’s the question of the commercialism of The Season. I agree it’s gone over the top, but it needn’t. The reason I give gifts is because I love seeing the recipient react to what I’ve chosen. It tells me if I have assessed their tastes and desires well. I’ve done a good thing when they like what I’ve chosen for them.

I am proud to say that my kids have not gone over to the dark side in their desire for Christmas loot. I was worried, because prior to this year, they really never watched commercial tv, so they were never aware of what was out there to want. Recently, however, we have been allowing them to expand their viewing horizons, and I was a little worried that they would get a case of the gimmies. However, it has been a labour to get them to name anything in particular that they want Santa to bring. I have been pleasantly surprised not to find great long lists of demands stuck to the fridge. In fact, they have generated a few ideas themselves, about gifts to give other people. They seem to be in the “giving” mode, and from what I’ve seen so far, the gifts they are choosing have been quite thoughtful.

I must confess, I do like presents. It appeals to my self esteem when someone proves they care enough about me to consider what I would want and pick it out for me. I love the magic of a present, a pretty package with a mystery inside. The package is Potential – it could be anything. The suspense, the anticipation, the exquisite thrill of splitting open the wrap for the first peek, the half-second of guilt at destroying a lovely package (the gift is a gift in and of itself, aside from what’s inside the package). And I want that for those who are the recipients of my gifts.

So Christmas doesn’t have to be all Scrooge and Grinch. What gets done, gets done. It’s all about making darkness into light, depth into cheer. All winter festival-type holidays stem from the winter solstice. Here, it happens to be the coldest, darkest time of year. Christmas and Hannukah, are festivals of light. We light candles, twinkly lights, entire trees, we give gifts and have parties, we eat, drink, and are (supposed to be) merry, all to brighten up these short, lightless days.

We need to celebrate whatever our traditions do, and everyone else’s traditions, as well. If our traditions include gift-giving, we should choose the gifts we give with care, with thought and consideration for those we are giving to, and receive gracefully, and with the knowledge that someone really cared about us when they picked them out. We should relax and enjoy the festivities, because when the season is over, it’s still cold and dark, but we have the good memories of family, and friendship to carry us through until the days get longer and warmer again. No post-season let-down, no hangover, no regrets, just good times, and thoughtful behaviour. We are all people, regardless of belief system, and if this is the one time of year that we remember it, well, better than never. A season is as good an excuse as any to get along.

So celebrate, whatever your reason. Christmas happens to be mine. Merry Christmas, everyone.

Religion

Decorating the Christmas tree tonight, I had the following conversation:

Aimee: Mama what's this?
Me: It's a (decoration of a) little girl saying her prayers.
Jack: Mama what's prayers?
Me: It's when you talk to God.
Aimee: Hey, mom, do we have the baby Jesus stuff? (a nativity scene, like at Gramma's)
Me: No, we don't.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Because we're heathens.
Aimee: What's heathens?
Me: People who don't go to church.

I love making the world all black and white for them. It's simpler that way. One day, when they're ready, I promise I'll explain it all in detail. Swear to G.... I promise.

Rethinking

I have been thinking lately that I might pick up a shift or two at the hospital again. This is a major deal. When I got my current job, the 8-4 Monday to Friday position, I swore I'd never go back to shifts. For more than a year, every time I passed the hospital I did a little dance and rejoiced aloud that I was not working that night.

I hated the shifts, that was a big part of it. I hated being up all night and stressing myself to sleep enough to function the next night. I hated the switching around, too. But I think at the root of it all was that I was not comfortable in the job. I was never sure if I was doing thing right, or if I was going to kill someone. I was in a constant state of low-grade panic wondering if I was about to come into a room where someone was not breathing when they should be.

Suddenly, though, things have changed. I am comfortable in my current job and I know I am a good oncology nurse. I understand what needs to be done and I have had good feedback from my colleagues. I am more confident in my skills and less intimidated by doctors (Authority? What authority?). Suddenly I feel like an odd 8-hour night would be easy money. I am no longer convinced I am about to kill someone.

I have to confess that I am bored at my day job, too. I have recently given up my clinic assignment for a different role, which looks suspiciously like a managerial one, but ISN'T. Frankly, there is not enough work to keep me busy. I have told the manager this, and provided her with plenty of suggestions for using her resources (me) more wisely, but so far, she's not going for it. I have not mentioned to her that my position is completely redundant and could easily be done by other people who are already employed by the organization.

So I think I'll reapply at my old hospital. I emailed the manager today - she offered a reference. I figure an 8 or 12-hour night shift on a Friday or Saturday maybe once or twice a month. Sleep? Who needs sleep? I'll put the cash into my travel fund. We'll see. I may walk on the ward with the optimism that comes from significant time away from that which I dreaded, and suddenly remember why I never wanted to work in a hospital again. But maybe not. Maybe one shift at a time would be bearable. Good experience. It could be character-building (as if I don't have enough character). I'll keep you posted.

Reviews

A couple of book reviews for you - The Red Hat Club by Haywood Smith and The Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst. I am interested in comments by anyone else who read them.